


Send to All

by Holz9364



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-04
Updated: 2015-10-04
Packaged: 2018-04-24 18:31:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4930588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Holz9364/pseuds/Holz9364
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hermione grabs Harry's mobile phone and sends out a text to all of his contacts which brings in various interesting replies. It sparks a little game they play within the friend group called 'Send to All'. The aim of the game? Steal a friends phone and send a text to all of their contacts!  [ALSO UPLOADED ON FANFICTION.NET UNDER THE NAME 'Holz9364]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Harry's Phone

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the game ‘Send to All’ that was featured on the Michael McIntyre Chat Show. I loved that show, it made me laugh so much!

Hermione sometimes wondered why she had ever convinced Harry to get a muggle mobile phone. At first he had needed it for work. It was a requirement for undercover Auror missions that frayed into the muggle world. But eventually Hermione had managed to convert him to a decent phone and as a result he actually used it for something other than work.

Most muggle-borns had mobile phones these days, as did half-bloods. Some pure-bloods had even seen the appeal of the muggle technology. If you were out and needed to talk to someone it was easy, you didn’t need to find a fireplace or send an owl and wait for a reply. Wizards and witches who could produce a corporeal patronus mostly thought they were pointless but not everyone was able to do that. 

Harry’s only problem was that he never kept his phone locked, and he always left it lying around for anyone to peek at. Hermione decided to make an example of him for this one night when she was, admittedly very drunk. She had just stopped breast-feeding her son Hugo. As a result it had been bloody ages since she had actually been able to drink.

So the three bottles of red wine that she and Harry had split between them, well they had really gone to her head. The problem with sharing Harry as a best friend meant that she and Ron rarely got to see him together because one of them always had to watch the children. They knew that they could ask Molly, but as a rule they tried not to. She had 8 other grandchildren to juggle, Ron and Hermione didn’t want to give her anymore work.

As it was, Hermione was spending the evening at Harry’s flat. Ron used to worry about Hermione going to Harry’s alone and coming back pissed as a newt. However when Harry and Ginny had announced that they were separating after the birth of their youngest son, Albus, things changed. The Weasley’s were upset at first, and Ron was angry until Harry got drunk and had an emotional breakdown about the fact that the whole marriage had been a sham because he was gay. Ron had stared at him for a moment and then he laughed in relief because he had been terrified that Harry and Hermione were having an affair. 

So here they were, 29 and 28 years old respectively, pushing on the big 30. Harry was divorced with two lovely little boys, Jamie and Al. And Hermione was still married to Ron, still despairing at how much of an idiot he was while smiling fondly at him. She had two beautiful children, and yet she and Harry still got together once a month to catch up and admittedly to gossip. It had only improved now that she could drink again. God, she had missed red wine.

In her slightly tipsy state Hermione got a rather wicked idea. She grabbed Harry’s phone and went to his texts. He had the same phone as her so she could operate it easily. She selected ‘send to all’ and then typed up a quick text, giggling as she did so. When it was finished it read, “Still gutted about the break-up. I need to get out and have a bit of fun again. Me and you, lap dancing. Are you in or out? Come on, let’s do this!”

Hermione tried to control herself as she slipped Harry’s phone into her back pocket. When he re-entered the room with some nibbles and another bottle of wine she was perfectly composed.

“So like I was saying before I went to get this,” Harry said with a general wave of his hand as he sat down next to her on the sofa, “Justin ended things with me.”

“I thought you broke up with him,” Hermione said in surprise.

Harry shook his head, “Nope, apparently I work too much.”

“You do work too much,” Hermione said pointedly.

“I know,” Harry sighed, “But I did really like Justin. I don’t know about love, I don’t even know what it is anymore but he was a really good guy.”

“And then there was all that awesome gay sex,” Hermione giggled.

Harry grinned, “Well I don’t need Justin for that. I have a lot of friends.”

“Uh-huh,” Hermione smirked, “Gay friends?”

“Experimental friends at least,” Harry said in amusement, “But it was just nice having someone to hug at night and share dinners with.”

“Well it wouldn’t have lasted,” Hermione said matter of factly, “He wasn’t very keen on the children, was he? You need someone who’ll take Jamie and Al out with you. Someone who can handle that.”

“I know,” Harry yawned, “It’s just that Gin and me were together for so long. I got used to the companionship, despite the lack of sex.”

Hermione smiled sympathetically and then Harry’s phone began to buzz like mad in her back pocket. She giggled and threw up an easy shield charm to stop Harry from reaching over to her. 

“I stole your phone and sent a little text out to everyone,” Hermione grinned as she pulled the phone from her pocket.

Harry’s face paled, “Oh God...Hermione, what did it say?”

Hermione giggled more than ever, “It said this; Still gutted about the break-up. I need to get out and have a bit of fun again. Me and you, lap dancing. Are you in or out? Come on, let’s do this!”

Harry’s eyes popped, “Hermione! I have Ron on there! Oh my God, who has replied? What have they said? Oh shit Hermione, my boss is in my contacts! My boss!”

Hermione managed to stop giggling for long enough to start reading out the texts, “Ooh is Roy Davidson your boss?”

Harry nodded warily, “Oh fuck, what did he say?”

Hermione cackled, “Harry, I’m sure you don’t mean me. My dancing days are long over, but have a good night. Best, Roy.”

Harry let his head fall into his hands, “Hermione,” he whined.

“It gets better!” Hermione said eagerly, “Theodore Nott replied, how do you know him?”

“He’s an Unspeakable, I’ve worked a few cases with him,” Harry replied with narrowed eyes.

“Well he’s totally up for it,” Hermione giggled, “You know what I’m like, totally in. Can’t do tonight because I’m working tomorrow morning. Male or female lap dancers? I’m game either way.”

“Oh god,” Harry muttered.

“I think I might have gotten you laid,” Hermione grinned, “Oh god, Ron replied!”

Harry raised an eyebrow at Hermione, “What did he say?”

Hermione laughed loudly, “He knows us too well. He said, “What mate? Has Hermione gotten drunk and nicked your phone?”

Harry actually laughed, “That’s not so bad. Are there more?”

“Plenty more,” Hermione chuckled, “They’re coming in by the second. Gosh, Justin replied! He said, “Not sure that’s a good idea given what just happened. By all means have fun without me, you normally do.”

“Well,” Harry said irritably, “Could he get any bitterer if he tried?”

Hermione glanced at Harry sympathetically, “On the bright side there are a couple of interesting replies. Ooh there’s one from Oliver Wood!”

Harry grimaced, “Oliver Wood who I had a very hot fling with last Christmas?”

“Uh-huh,” Hermione said, “This one is saucy. It says, Don’t you remember the last time we went to a lap dancing club? You got drunk and gave me a private dance in the bathroom of the club ;) FYI I am totally up for reliving that experience. Sorry Justin broke up with you, but you are way too fit for him.”

Harry cringed.

Hermione grinned, “I am seriously going to get you a date here Harry. I mean so far you have your choice of Theodore Nott or Oliver Wood.”

Harry groaned, “This is so embarrassing.”

Hermione cackled once more, she was evil. How had she not been in Slytherin? He didn’t know why he was friends with her.

“Oh Susan Bones replied, how do you know her?”

“She’s the Assistant Head of the DMLE,” Harry cringed.

“Well she said, At last some real dancing. What was that you called dancing at the department Christmas party? I’m in!”

Harry laughed nervously, “Oh Godric, work on Monday...I have to go to work on Monday.”

“Oh dear,” Hermione said sheepishly, “Ginny replied and she’s not too happy.”

“Oh man,” Harry said in disbelief.

“Shouldn't you be more worried about looking after your children than drowning your sorrows in alcohol and sex, Harry?”

“Great, now my ex-wife thinks I’m a terrible Father,” Harry said with a shake of his head.

“I’ll explain to her,” Hermione promised, “Oh my gosh, Luna replied! She said, “100% in. I never say no to an invite.”

Harry barked out a laugh, and Hermione cackled at the next text, “And Bill said, “There’s a time and place for everything Harry. I’ll be there.”

Harry didn’t know whether to shake his head in disbelief, laugh or melt into the ground in embarrassment, “Oh Merlin, I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”

“Well there are still quite a lot of texts,” Hermione giggled, “Neville is so up for this! “Very kind offer, but I’m not about this week. Got a big Herbology project on the go. Tuesday I can do, Witching Hour in Knockturn alley, super venue.”

Harry barked out a laugh, “Neville said that? Oh holy Helga, I need to have a night out with him! Neville, up for going to a lap dancing club!” he had lost it.

Hermione wasn’t much better, she had to take a few minutes to compose herself and gulp down a large sip of wine before she could continue, “Oh and there’s a reply from Blaise Zabini.”

“He’s a lawyer, I know him through work,” Harry said, answering Hermione’s silent question.

Hermione giggled as she read the text, “Are you kidding? Of course I’m in. Do you want to do this now? It’s happy hour till 10 tonight in Knockturn.”

“Oh by Godric’s ghost, Blaise Zabini wants to go to a lap dancing club with me,” Harry snorted, “This can’t get much worse.”

“Well you have another reply from a Weasley brother,” Hermione grinned, “George just replied, “Yes, yes, yes!”

Harry snorted.

“And there’s a reply from someone called Daphne Greengrass?” Hermione said curiously.

“Oh she’s just a woman I know from work. She does undercover work for us,” Harry said in amusement, “She’s the only woman apart from Ginny that I’ve ever slept with but she’s a Metamorphmagus so she can-”

“However that story ends, I don’t want to hear it,” Hermione said, holding her hand up in amusement, “She did say this though, “Someone has a short memory. The last time we went lap dancing you pulled something Potter, and it wasn’t a muscle.”

Harry’s cheeks flushed, “Yeah we won’t talk about that story either,” he said quickly.

Hermione raised an amused eyebrow at him, “Another Weasley brother! Charlie said, “Definitely. Will have to be Wandlust though. I’m banned from Poledust.”

Harry’s cheeks turned even pinker, and Hermione looked at him curiously, “Those are both gay clubs.”

“Yep,” Harry said sheepishly, “They are.”

“You and Charlie Weasley?”

“Once!” Harry exclaimed, “It was once, and Ginny doesn’t know so I would like to keep it that way.”

“When did this happen?” Hermione asked in amusement.

“Christmas Eve,” Harry muttered.

“In the Burrow?” Hermione shrieked, “Oh my gosh! In Charlie’s old bedroom?”

Harry nodded, his cheeks were now the colour of Ron’s hair, “Yes, can we drop this please? And can I have my bloody phone back?”

Hermione shook her head in disbelief, “I can’t believe you never told me that. And no you can’t have it back because you have one more text from...Draco Malfoy.”

Harry’s eyes widened, “Oh shit, he’s my Auror partner! Oh my god.”

Hermione bit her lip, “Well his reply is interesting.”

“Why? What does it say?” Harry asked quickly.

“Why are you so eager to know?” Hermione smirked, “This doesn’t have anything to do with your lifelong crush on him, does it?”

“What lifelong crush?” Harry asked, his cheeks well and truly red now.

Hermione continued to smirk at him, “It does have something to do with that then. Well that’s interesting, considering he and Astoria divorced last year.”

“Just tell me what the bloody text says, Hermione!”

“As you wish,” Hermione grinned, “It says, What the fuck Potter? I ask Scorpius to read me the text as I was busy cooking. He said ‘Daddy I think Uncle Harry wants to see you naked’. What am I going to say now for Salazar’s sake? Anyway, tell me where and when and I’ll be there.”

Harry’s jaw dropped.

Hermione’s grin widened, “And he put a winking emoticon at the end.”

“He what?”

Hermione just crossed her arms and looked at Harry smugly, “I’m going to reply.”

“No, Hermione! Don’t!”

But Hermione was already replying, “Sorry for scarring Scorpius but for the record I do want to see you naked.”

“No, Hermione!” Harry whined as she sent the text and grinned at Harry.

“You are the world’s worst best friend,” Harry grumbled, smashing through the barrier she had put around herself with one thrust of his hand. He wrestled the phone from her and glared at her, “You’re like my annoying meddling older sister.”

“Well my meddling is going to get you laid one way or another,” Hermione grinned, “And for the record, Draco is far better for you than Justin. He has a son the same age as James, and he loves kids.”

“Yeah he’s also my Auror partner and I’m pretty sure he’s not gay,” Harry said irritably as his phone pinged. He checked his phone anxiously, and his jaw dropped when he saw the text from Draco.

Hermione jumped up, “What does it say?”

Harry tried to compose himself, “It...uh...it says..."Sounds interesting Potter. Scorpius has just gone to bed. Your ex-wife has the kids this weekend doesn't she? I’ll pour you a firewhiskey. Use the bedroom fireplace.”

Hermione looked so goddamn smug. Harry wanted to roll his eyes at her, but he was too busy staring at his phone. She kissed him on the cheek and grabbed her coat, “Well I will be going home to my husband. Have a good night.”

Harry grinned broadly at her, “Hermione, I love you.”

Hermione returned his grin, “So you should, you would be miserable without me. Night Harry.”

“Night Hermione,” Harry said as he threw floo powder into the fireplace frantically.


	2. Hermione's Phone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry decides to get revenge on his best friend.

It had been 2 months since Hermione had played her rather wicked trick on Harry. He had so much explaining to do the morning after Hermione had stolen his phone. Explaining to the Head Auror and the Assistant Head of the DMLE that his best friend had drunkenly texted all of his contacts was no fun. Especially when said best friend was the Assistant Head of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures; and therefore a respected person within the magical world. 

Explaining to Neville that he didn’t actually want to go out to a strip club had been interesting. And turning down Theodore Nott’s offer of a lap dance had been incredibly awkward. As had been bumping into his ex-lover Oliver Wood on Diagon Alley two days after that text had gone out. Then there had been Ginny, she had eventually believed that Hermione had stolen his phone but he had only had to show her his bloody memory of the event to get that into her head.

When they got together the month after the event Hermione was very careful with her phone. No doubt because she was fearing revenge. She kept saying that it was a good thing, because ‘Look, you and Draco are dating! The kids love him, he loves them! See what I did?’

But Harry still wanted revenge. So when she came over 2 months after the initial ‘incident’, Harry had his revenge planned. Draco had practically moved in already. He only went home when it was his weekend with Scorpius (as this weekend happened to be). But if that weekend coincided with Harry’s weekend with James and Albus, then he would bring Scorpius to Harry’s place too so that they could all go out and do something. Hermione had done a good thing, Harry had never been as happy as he had been in the last few months with Draco and the sex was the best he had ever bloody had.

All the same, when Hermione left her phone on the kitchen counter to top up their wine glasses, Harry seized his chance. He grabbed it and flung up a personal shield.

“Harry!”

Harry smirked, “You’ll never be able to break it down, so don’t even try. It’s an Aurors personal shield Hermione. Death Eaters couldn’t get through this baby.”

“Harry, I said I was sorry,” Hermione exclaimed, “You can’t do it on my phone, I have work colleagues on there!”

“And the text you sent out went to my boss and his boss,” Harry said pointedly, “So I think I will send out this message...”

“Harry no, please! Give me my phone back.”

“Revenge is a dish best served cold Mione,” Harry grinned, “My boyfriend has taught me a thing or two about revenge. He is a Slytherin after all.”

Hermione looked like a deer caught in the headlights and Harry couldn’t help but think, hah! We’ll see how she likes it when the shoe is on the other foot!

“Send!” Harry said triumphantly.

“What did you send?” Hermione asked warily. 

“You and I need to spend more time together. This weekend I'll hire a flying car and we'll just fly to wherever we feel like. You in?”

Hermione groaned.

“At least I didn’t mention lap dancing,” Harry said honestly, “You pulled all of my dirty secrets out of the bag! What’s the worst responses you can get?”

“Don’t ask that,” Hermione muttered as she grabbed her wine glass and stalked into the living room.

Harry sniggered and summoned his own wine glass into his personal shield before following her through. He sat down on the sofa opposite her just in case she decided to tried to punch the hell out of his shield charm, he wouldn’t put it past her and such a muggle method might actually work.

“I hate you,” Hermione said pointedly.

“You love me, I’m your best friend,” Harry said with a falsely sweet smile, “And you did this to me just two months ago. Revenge, Hermione.”

“I know, I deserve it,” Hermione muttered, “That doesn’t mean I’m looking forward to people replying.”

Her phone began to buzz and beep at those words and Harry grinned wickedly as he unlocked it.

“How do you know my passcode?” Hermione asked irritably.

“Hermione, it’s your daughter’s birthday,” Harry snorted, “It wasn’t exactly difficult. I can see why you weren’t a Ravenclaw.”

“Now that’s just harsh!” Hermione practically huffed, drawing her feet up underneath her.

Harry grinned, “But it was also true. Oh would you look at that? We have some replies! One from Draco actually, why do you have Draco’s number?”

“Because he’s dating my best friend,” Hermione said with a pointed look at Harry, “What did he reply?”

“I can think of a far better way to spend my weekend Granger. In fact I can think of several and they all involve your best friend in various comprising positions. Speaking of Harry, did he send this?”

Hermione rolled her eyes, “You’re predictable.”

“To Draco at least,” Harry said in amusement, “There’s another reply here. This one is from...Viktor Krum!”

Hermione’s cheeks flushed, “Oh god.”

“Why do you have his number?” Harry asked eagerly, “In fact...well I think the text is going to require some explaining. “Sounds amazing. I really miss you and I’m free all weekend - Vik x.”

Hermione cringed.

“Vik?” Harry asked, “Holy shit Hermione! Are you cheating on Ron?”

“No!” Hermione exclaimed, “Of course not! It’s just...oh Merlin. Do you remember those couple of months in 1999 when Ron and I were on a break?”

“After you had that really big fight, yeah,” Harry said with a nod, “Wait, are you saying that you and Krum...”

Hermione nodded, “And Ron knows about it. I told him before we got back together, he was outraged of course but I didn’t exactly want to make it public knowledge.”

“Right, my lips are sealed,” Harry said, still staring at Hermione in disbelief, “I can’t believe you never told me that.”

“I still can’t believe you never told me you slept with Charlie Weasley!” Hermione cut in.

Harry grimaced, “Yeah fair play. But speaking of awkward things we don’t tell each other...Draco and I had the ex-girlfriend/boyfriend/lover talk the other night.”

“And?”

“And let’s put it this way, there were some names on his list and mine,” Harry said sheepishly, “Chiefly Charlie Weasley and Oliver Wood.”

“Well you both have good taste then,” Hermione laughed, “Wait, Draco slept with a Weasley?”

Harry nodded, a smirk forming on his lips, “Several times.”

“That’s way too much information!” Hermione exclaimed as her phone buzzed in Harry’s hand.

Harry was grateful for the distraction as he glanced down, “Who is Monica Turner?”

Hermione’s eyes widened, “The Head of the DRCMC! My boss!”

Harry snorted in amusement, “Is she a muggle-born?”

Hermione looked horror struck as she nodded.

“Well she replied saying this, “Not another fan of those horrible flying monstrosities? I tell you, I would take a chevy anytime and blast out some Tim and Faith. You need to travel with me on our next business trip to America.”

“She’s from Texas,” Hermione said as she shook her head.

“Who the hell are Tim and Faith?”

“Tim McGraw and Faith Hill,” Hermione explained, “The power couple of country music. It’s a genre of music, big in the southern states of America. Merlin, I’m going to be subjected to a road trip across America in a bloody chevy pick-up truck! Thank you for that Harry.”

Harry smirked, “You are so welcome,” he said sarcastically as he glanced down at the phone, “Oh and there’s another one. It’s from Ron!” 

Hermione narrowed her eyes warily at Harry as he burst out laughing. It took him a moment or two to compose himself enough to read it, “Well this is way more than I ever wanted to know about my two best friends love life. “Where are we going? I’m in! I’ll see if I can get Mum to watch the kids. If they’re feeling really generous Harry and his ferret might even do it. Do you remember our last road trip? That was the best use you have EVER found for the backseat of a car baby!”

Hermione groaned and let her red face fall into her hands.

“In the back of a flying car, huh?” Harry grinned, “Well! The last road trip you went on was the one to Italy, right?”

“Yes,” Hermione mumbled through her hands.

“And wasn’t Hugo born about 9 months later?” Harry sniggered.

“Yes Harry,” Hermione said, looking up at him with bright red cheeks, “My son was conceived in the backseat of a flying Camaro.”

“Classy,” Harry grinned.

“Please tell me that nobody else replied,” Hermione said hopefully.

“No can do,” Harry said, lounging back against the sofa, “There are plenty more replies to peruse. You obviously don’t text Seamus very much because he’s said this, “Tempting! Could do with knowing a few things though. A. Who are you? B. Are you fit? C. Can you drive?”

Hermione snorted, “I don’t think I’ve texted Seamus in years, not since before Rosie was born.”

Harry tutted, “Ah and Dean has replied to. You must talk to him more often, he seems to at least know who you are.”

“He works in the magical painting business,” Hermione chuckled, “He did portraits of Rose and Hugo when they were babies.”

“I see,” Harry said in amusement, “Well he said this, “Sorry Hermione, painting portraits all weekend. Assume you meant you and Ron and me and Trace? Would be a bit weird otherwise.”

“God,” Hermione muttered, “What have you done?”

Harry suddenly giggled in a very high-pitched way, “Your Mum has replied! She’s not very keen on flying cars is she?”

Hermione shook her head warily, “She doesn’t trust them. What did she say?”

“Not sure this was meant for me, honey? I still don't think you should be using flying cars. They seem very unreliable, wheels should stay on the ground. Stay safe sweetheart. All my love to you, Ron and my grandbabies xxx.”

“She worries, and now you’ve made her worried,” Hermione said with a look of mock disgust, “You complete monster.”

“Oh, aren’t I dreadful?” Harry smirked, “Who is Sophie Smith?”

“Oh shit! She’s my friend from primary school, she’s a muggle! You just sent her a text about flying cars!”

“I don’t think it’s going to break the statute of secrecy,” Harry snorted, “She just thinks you’re on something cause she said this, “Girl, are you high?! Cars don’t fly!! Sleep it off and we’ll catch up soon xxxxxxx.”

“That was lucky Harry!” Hermione exclaimed, “I could have had a lot more muggles in my contacts!”

“Relax, I’m an Auror. I could have just obliviated someone,” Harry said with a wave of his hand, “Hannah is totally up for it, she just said, “Yeah sounds good.” Oh and there’s a reply from your Dad as well. Oh this is so sweet Hermione!”

Hermione groaned, “He worries too. I’m going to have to call my parents to fix this, you complete arse!”

Harry just grinned, “Well he says, “Are you serious? I would never go anywhere without planning a route first. You could crash into a mountain! You could end up dead in a ditch Hermione! You are acting very irrational here, are you okay? Call me please.”

Hermione sighed, “Can I have my phone so that I can call my Dad and stop him from freaking out?”

“Nope, there are two more texts,” Harry said cheerfully, “Ah Luna. Her text is stereotypical Luna. “Sure! I'm busy Saturday but Sunday is good for me. FYI: There's some air traffic control problem around Edinburgh, I suspect the rogue cannibal Thestral pack that killed off so many Nargles last year. They cause so much trouble.”

Hermione smiled fondly, “There’s our Luna.”

Harry was shaking with laughter as he opened the last text. His eyes widened, “Oh wow, this one is juicy! Oh...oh!”

“What?” Hermione asked anxiously, “Who is it?”

“Well it’s from Neville,” Harry said as he looked over at Hermione.

Hermione frowned, “And? Neville’s my friend. What’s juicy about it exactly?”

“I think I’ll just read it and let you work that one out,” Harry said with an amused look, “It says, "Uh...not sure that would be a good idea? You know I’ve always had feelings for you. But you said you and Ron were very happy together after we kissed at the Memorial Ball. Is everything okay? If you two are having a hard time or if you’re going through a divorce or something you know I’m here for you, right?”

Hermione paled, “Oh...”

“You kissed Neville?” Harry asked in disbelief, “Neville Longbottom? Neville married to Hannah Abbot, Longbottom?”

Hermione grimaced, “Uh...yes.”

“Does Ron know about this?” Harry asked with wide eyes.

“Not exactly,” Hermione said, “He knows I kissed someone, he just doesn’t know it was Neville.”

“What Ministry ball was this?” Harry asked, “What year?”

“This year,” Hermione mumbled.

“This year?” Harry echoed, “As in like a couple of months ago?”

Hermione nodded, “It’s complicated, alright? I was quite drunk, in fact I was very drunk. The alcohol went to my head because I hadn’t been drinking for so long with breast-feeding Hugo and all.”

“So you got drunk and snogged Neville Longbottom in a bathroom or a cupboard somewhere?” Harry asked, not quite believing his ears.

“No, not exactly,” Hermione said again. She groaned, “It was the Memorial ball so Ron was upset. He and I got into a fight about how it wasn’t just about him. I was upset too, and I knew he was upset about Fred but I reminded him that other people had died too, a lot of other people. The fight we had was...well you know it was a big fight. The biggest fight we’ve had in a really long time. We showed up together but we avoided each other all night. I went outside for a cigarette-”

“You stopped smoking years ago.”

“I know,” Hermione sighed, “I was stressed, alright? And Neville was out there and we talked and he kissed me and...” her cheeks flushed, “He wanted it to go further but it didn’t and things have been very awkward ever since.”

“I can imagine,” Harry said, “Are you and Ron alright, Hermione? You aren’t just staying together for the kids like Ginny and I tried to for so long?”

“Things aren’t great, but it’s not a disaster either,” Hermione said honestly, “It’s just a slightly rough patch. We all have them.”

“Hermione, I told myself it was a rough patch too,” Harry said gently, “Until that rough patch lasted for a year and a half, then I faced the truth.”

“Yes well you decided after a year or so of marriage that you were as gay as a bloody rainbow,” Hermione said pointedly, “You can’t really work at a marriage after that comes out. Ron and I really will be okay, Harry. Trust me.”

Harry smiled sadly at her, “I do, I just don’t want to see you unhappy.”

“I wasn’t unhappy until you stole my phone, now can I have it back please?” Hermione asked.

Harry smiled slightly, “You could have taken it back at any point. I lied about that really strong personal shield charm, it’s just protego. One spell would have shattered it,” he said as he dropped the shield and threw her the phone.

“Ugh, Draco is really rubbing off on you!” Hermione said as she got to her feet and grabbed her coat.

Harry got to his feet and hugged his best friend, “Promise you’ll come chat if things get worse?”

“I promise Harry,” Hermione said as she kissed him on the cheek, “As much as you can be an annoying little brother, you are also the best friend I have in this world. If things get worse, I’ll tell you.”

“Alright,” Harry smiled, kissing her on the cheek, “Take care of yourself.”

“You too,” Hermione as she stepped into the fireplace, “And just for the record, I really do hate you.”

Harry chuckled, “Yeah I know, I hate you too,” he teased as she stepped into the fireplace and disappeared from sight.


	3. Draco's Phone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry and Hermione have been embarassed through the medium of 'Send to All'. Its Draco's turn now!

It had been 3 months since Harry had found out all of Hermione’s dirty secrets by stealing her phone and sending out a text to all of her contacts. In that time they had both been very busy, they had caught up once a month as they always did but their catch-ups had been very brief. However this time it was Harry’s birthday and to celebrate Hermione and Ron were coming over to have dinner with him and Draco. Harry would have been very nervous about that prospect if it wasn’t for the fact that Draco and Ron could tolerate each other and had done for several years. All three of them were Aurors, and Neville had gone through Auror training with them too before deciding his heart lay in teaching.

The night went very well. Draco cooked a delicious meal, and they all caught up over food and wine. Harry was glad to see that things seemed entirely back to normal with Ron and Hermione. She had told him at their last monthly catch-up that it had just been a rough patch and that they had managed to work everything out.

Once they had eaten they retired to the living room and Harry poured out another glass of wine for Hermione, and generous measures of Ogden’s best firewhiskey for himself, Draco and Ron. They were just making small talk. The topics of discussion were the usual things; work, the kids, etc. Things only took an interesting turn when Draco reached into his pocket and frowned, “Harry, have you seen my phone?”

“This phone?” Harry asked in amusement as he flung up a shield charm and took the phone from his pocket, “It really is a very strong shield charm this time,” he said, grinning at Hermione, “And you know that they are my speciality Draco.”

Draco rolled his eyes, “Do your worst,” he said, a challenge in his eyes.

Harry grinned, “Let’s send this out then, “Be honest, have I been annoying lately? I won’t be offended.”

Ron snorted, “Everyone will just reply saying yes.”

Draco raised an eyebrow, “Some of my friends actually like me, Weasley.”

“I can’t believe how completely unphased by this you are,” Hermione said with a shake of her head.

“Until the replies start coming in that is,” Harry grinned.

“And if I were you Ron, I wouldn’t laugh too much. I could easily steal your phone and do the same,” Hermione smirked.

Ron just laughed, “Wouldn’t be much point though would there? I have about 6 numbers in my phone, yours and Harry’s, Gin, Bill, Charlie and George. That’s it.”

“Draco has a lot of numbers,” Harry grinned, “And a lot of friends who have already started to reply. Ah we have Theo, Draco’s best friend or so he thinks. He said, “Yeah actually, the last few days while Daphne was here. You were a bit strange, I was going to ask you about it.”

Draco rolled his eyes, “I was being weird because my best friend is dating my ex-wives sister. That’s a weird situation, right?”

“It is pretty weird,” Ron said in agreement.

“Blaise has replied too,” Harry sniggered, “Typical Blaise, he just gets right to the point. “No, you haven’t.”

Draco was still thoroughly unabashed by this, until Harry’s eyes widened, “Shit! I forgot you had Roy and Susan on here!”

Draco’s eyes widened too, “Roy replied? As in Head Auror, Roy?”

“Oh fuck,” Harry muttered as he scanned the text.

“What?” Draco asked anxiously, “What does it say, Harry?”

Harry bit his lip, "Uh...it says, “Yes actually. It's very annoying watching you and Potter pretend NOT to be involved with each other while hearing reports of you emerging from broom closets all over the department together.”

Hermione cackled, and Ron roared with laughter.

“He knows?” Draco asked in disbelief.

“Of course he know!” Ron said through his laughter, “You two have been at this for 5 bloody months! Everyone knows!”

“Why hasn’t he fired us or separated us as partners then?” Harry asked in disbelief.

Hermione shook her head, “Harry, you really do forget that you are the man who saved the world, don’t you?”

Draco smiled slightly, “That and you’re next in line for Head Auror. Everyone knows it, Roy knows it. They’re just waiting for you to turn 30 so that Roy can retire and you can take over.”

“You get away with everything in that department mate,” Ron chuckled as Draco’s phone buzzed a few more times.

Harry smirked down at it, “Oh Dean’s replied. Wait, how do you know Dean?”

“He’s married to one of my friends from school, Tracey,” Draco said with a wave of his hand, “And he painted a portrait of Scorp when he was a baby. I really don’t know him that well.”

“Well he’s pretty perceptive,” Harry chuckled, “He just replied with this, “Has someone nicked your phone?”

Hermione laughed, “It sounded like a few more texts just in though.”

“Oh yeah, there are plenty,” Harry grinned, “Starting with one from your best friend, Pansy.”

“Oh Salazar,” Draco cringed, “What does it say?”

Harry giggled, “I can tell that she’s to you what Hermione is to me. It says, “Why just lately? You’re always annoying, but I suppose you’ve been a bit worse recently. It’s only because you’re so lovestruck with Potter. Considering how long you wanted him for I think this honeymoon period is going to last for YEARS.”

Draco’s cheeks were faintly pink now, and Harry looked up mischievously. His caught his boyfriend’s grey eyes and asked, “How long have you wanted me for, Draco?”

Draco cleared this throat, “Not that long, don’t flatter yourself Potter.”

Ron snorted, and Harry laughed, “I love how I’m Potter when I get on your nerves Draco,” he said matter of factly, “Ah, here’s another response. This one is from Neville and it’s-” he laughed loudly, “- oh it’s priceless, this one is just priceless!”

Draco raised an eyebrow at Harry.

“It says, “No, what are you a 9 year old girl? Why the sudden insecurity?”

Ron barked out a laugh, and even Draco chuckled.

“At least you don’t have the emotional range of a teaspoon,” Harry said with an amused look at Hermione.

Hermione smiled sheepishly, “I’ve upgraded Ron to a tablespoon actually.”

“I’m a responsible Father now,” Ron smirked.

Draco shook his head in amusement as he caught Harry’s eye. Harry’s smile widened a little as he held Draco’s gaze. The phone in his hand buzzed again and he tore his eyes away. He looked down and laughed very loudly, making Hermione jump.

Draco’s eyes narrowed, “Who is this one from?” He asked warily.

“It’s from Daphne Greengrass,” Harry said as he wiped away tears of laughter, “And it’s bloody hilarious.”

Draco looked vaguely nervous for the first time all night, “Go on...”

“It says, “Yeah, you’ve been really annoying since you started dating Potter. Even more annoying than you were in Hogwarts when you swooned every time he looked at you and climbed fucking trees to get his attention. Seriously Draco, it astounds me that it took my sister 2 years of shit sex to work out that you were gay.”

Draco’s cheeks went bright red and Ron was beside himself. He was doubled over with laughter that was making him cry. Even Hermione was laughing at this one. Harry had to take a deep breath to calm himself down.

“You did go to extreme lengths to get Harry’s attention,” Hermione breathed as she finally stopped laughing, “You shouted across the Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff tables to insult him.”

“You also did climb a tree one time to look cool while insulting him,” Ron chipped in.

Harry grinned, “I guess you’ve always wanted me Malfoy.”

“You wish Potter,” Draco muttered under his breath as he silently cursed Daphne.

Harry managed to pull his amused gaze away from Draco to look down at the phone, “Some more messages. Tracey Thomas has replied, “Not anymore than usual to be honest.”

Draco shook his head, “Typical Trace.”

“And...oh shit,” Harry frowned, “Susan Bones has replied too.”

Draco groaned, “Ugh! How many of our fellow Aurors did this thing go out too?”

“Well that depends how many of them you have as contacts on your phone,” Harry said honestly.

“So Daniels and Grant then,” Draco said with a groan. 

“Well Susan said, “Malfoy, YOU are one massive annoyance. Your habit of not doing any paperwork lately is REALLY annoying though.”

“Ooh, the boss isn’t happy with you pal,” Ron grinned.

“Bones is never happy with me,” Draco retorted, “Harry, please tell me that Daniels and Grant haven’t replied.”

Harry shook his head sheepishly, “I can’t do that, and I think Ron is right. Everyone seems to know about us...Daniels said, “Yeah you are really annoying me. Would you please stop shagging Potter in the storage room next to my cubicle? I’ve heard enough thanks.”

Ron was laughing so hard now that his face was the same colour as his hair. Harry and Draco had both blushed deeply and Hermione was looking between them. She shook her head with amusement, or exasperation. Harry wasn’t certain which one it was. 

Harry cleared his throat, “And Grant replied with...uh...oh wow, this one is rude.”

“Well it’s Grant, what do you expect?” Draco asked over the guffawing tomato (Ron) sitting next to him on the sofa.

Harry cringed, “It says, “Yep, really fucking annoying. You and Potter are both really fucking annoying. You and Potter screwing in every fucking corner of the fucking department is REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING MALFOY.”

“I think Ron’s going to have a heart attack,” Hermione said through her laughter as she patted Ron on the back. He was nearly choking on his laughter while Harry and Draco looked mortified.

“Can I have my phone back?” Draco asked, trying to control his blush.

Harry nodded, “Uh one minute. There’s one more text from...Astoria.”

Draco rolled his eyes, “Heaven help us. What did she say?”

Harry actually snorted in amusement as he read the text, “You are always annoying, even more so since you started dating Potter (Harry, please give my ex-husband his phone back. Scorpius is calling in half an hour before he goes to bed).”

“You heard the lady,” Draco said, holding his hand out in amusement.

Harry laughed and threw Draco his phone. The former Slytherin caught it deftly and left the room to give his son a call. 

When he was gone Ron seemed to recover. He wiped away tears of laughter and said, “Oh Harry, that was classic, classic entertainment.”

“You won’t be saying that if he does it to you,” Hermione laughed, “Poor Draco.”

“He doesn’t mind,” Harry chuckled, “I know most of his dirty secrets anyway.”

Ron made a face, “Hey mate, I’m alright with you dating him but I don’t need images like that, alright?”

Harry laughed loudly, “Sorry. While Draco is otherwise occupied, who needs another drink to recover from all of that laughing?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm quite happy to write more of these. Just tell me whose phone you want to be used and the text you want to be sent out! :)


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